Lost…

Ok.. few entry will bring unpleasant feelings but I ought to share it.. I must let it go from my heart.. I cant keep it anymore, it is killing me..

Today, 50 days went by since u left us… u left mum trembling through her heart.. facing her day without u.. u left us without a word.. u left the kids wondering whereabouts u.. it is something we knew by heart that u will be leaving us.. the day 11^th July 2012 when I took u from the hospital, I knew it. By all mean the doctor had the word with me. And I am the one who signed the letter.. release letter from the hospital… we bring to homey.. and after 20 days, u left us.

I will always remember that morning, Wednesday 1^st August 2012.. it is fasting month.. as usual on 430am, me, mum, sis and our new maid, it is her 7^th day staying with us to help mum with the housechores, wakes up for sahur. It is normal for u to not sleeping at night, we heard u saying something, when I drop in your room, u just looked at me without word. U remember I didn’t go to work on Monday.. I fall sick throughout fasting month. But on Monday I didn’t really sick u know.. it is just me feels like wanna sit around, at home. It is a feeling that I need to spend sometimes with u. 2 days after that, in the cold morning, u left us. I still can hear mum urge me from my sleep, heard her screaming when the paramedic confirming that u are gone.. and I had to be strong.. stronger than everyone else coz I know I need to.

Despite of everything… I am thankful and relief that u go in ease.. and u are not suffering anymore. I can’t bear to see u lying and full of pain. How u use to be strong and there u are, cant even raised your hand. Alhamdulillah… that day everything went out smooth. Praise to Allah. Thanks to everyone. Family, neighbors, villagers. Thanks to myBoo for being with me through it. Thank u dear.. it mean a lot to me and family.

I admit that I still crying at night now. I still can smell u in the house. I still can feels like u were the in the room, watching me. I can hear u asking me ‘adikk balik sorg?’ (am I coming back hometown alone), the normal 1^st question u will ask me when I get home.. I know u don’t. It is only my feelings. I thought I can always be strong like how I face it when u was away for about 10 years. But that’s different rite… at least that time around, we occasionally visits u. I knew u there, alive, talking to us. It is totally different now.

We had gone through this Syawal without u. we don’t take family photo as usual. We don’t take any photo at all. Mum is the most affected person. Of course. U are her everything. And she’s with u for the past 45 years. Through the dark.. through the brightest day.. we will get through all incoming days without u, at presence but we keep u in our heart. May your soul rest in peace Abah. We will visit u whenever we goes back to hometown. We will take a very good care of mum. We loves u…

Al-Fatihah for my late father, Abas bin Haji Mashor…